apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
