I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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