you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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