My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Bring me that man meat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
