I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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