Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
