i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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