I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
