i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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