What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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