Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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