the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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