I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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