Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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