my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
