I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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