uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
