Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
