Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
