just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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