Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
