sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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