i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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