OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
