chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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