So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
