I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We smell like vodka and hangover
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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