remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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