Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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