saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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