Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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