We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
