Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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