I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
