as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
