Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
