I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
