If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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