I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
