a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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