saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
