She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
