Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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