i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
