What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
pop tarts are not kleenex
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
