oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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