shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
