I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
