I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
