So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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