i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize