I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
