I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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