So drunk its hurt
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
is it fun? or sober?
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