I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize