i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
