four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
